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Hmm, a little about me? Well, posting these things when I'm not in a great mood or when I'm feeling tired isn't a good idea. It makes my life seem a lot worse than it really is. In realtiy, things are wonderful. School is fine, and I still am horrid at actully get my work done. I have friends here that are awesome. I get along with my roommates, and I'm in good moods, talking, and laughing a lot more than I used to. I'm just tired of the same old problem. Relatioships. People are always surprised when I say that I've never had a local relationship that lasted more than a week. People say "man, you must be a little heart breaker." People say a lot of things, but nothing that's ever fucking useful. I'm tired of always complaining about my heart. I'm tired of never getting a break. I had a great boy friend for 6 months, and I miss him every day. Even that wasn't really a break. At first I wan't sure what hurt more. The distance, or when I left him. Now I know. i miss him more now than I ever did, even when I went a month without hearing from him. I hating being single. I hate trying so hard with someone to even get into a relationship, and not being able to get past "talking." I want to know what I keep doing wrong. How am I supposed to get better at this if nothing ever happens. I just want to catch a break. The relationship doesn't have to be perfect, I just want to get past te tourture of this starting out, this questioning, this shit. Okay, I'm don't complaining. How are you, LJ?

Soooo.....LJ...it's been a while


Uhm I can't honestly say I will actually come back to LJ. But who knows. I have faster internet, I'm at college, and I live on the internet. If I don't return, and even if I do, and you care, you should check out my tumblr:
http://amberkaori.tumblr.com/
I post on that than even on facebook. So yeah :)

PS: I can't even remember how to upload new dps? fml xD

LOL livejournal, WHAT?

LOL sooooo I haven't been on here in months. :) Therefore i'm just going to post a few of my latest facebook notes, beacause that's a lot easer to do.
Speaking of FB. I was reading a little on my friends's page thing on here, and was so amazed that i couldin't just "like" someone's post. I'd actually have to go through the effort of loading a post to comment on it. WHAT'S THIS NONSENSE? Well, onto my anual updates- these will be a mixture of poems and rants:


*******
"Not Supposed To Happen" -5/6/2010

What's this?
This is not how it's supposed to be.
Not here-
Not now-
Not ever-
This isn't supposed to happen.

I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I thought I could,
I love you more than I thought I would...

We were going to be friends forever.
We were going to take on the world.
Always there for each other,
Always a shoulder to cry on,
Always a smile to depend on.

I never meant to fall,
I never meant to lose control.
It's not supposed to go like this,
Not you-
Not me-
Not us-
This isn't supposed to happen...

I see you cry and I break into pieces.
I want to hold you and make it alright.
And that's when I realize:
I love you more than I ever could,
I love you more than I ever should...



**********************************
May 6th, 2010
So, life is moving in fastforward and I can't figure out how to click the "play" button to get it going the right speed again. Everything is just going by, and I'm drifting along somewhere or another. Aladdin is over, and now I have a little more free time, but then again I don't..There's so much to do to get ready for graduation, next month, then freaking college. I'm getting more and more lost as the days fly by. It's only when I stop and think for a bit that i realize how much time has passed since the last time I stopped and thought the same things.

I love staying busy, because sitting around gives me TOO much time to think- like right now. I need a break, I know that much. I need a nice few days to sleep in 'till who knows when, sit around the house, then sleep some more. Just a day or two as a little refresher. But there's so many people to try and see, work to do, this to get ready, that to try to do. It's insane.

That's another thing, I hate how much I complain about shit. It's so bad, that I'm complaining about complaining. WTF. Seriously, this needs to stop. Then again, it's a nice little way to work out the things that float around and around and around in my head all day every day.

And now getting back to the fastforwardness, I feel so out of eberything that I used to be right in the middle of. I don't know what's going on with anyone, let alone myself, and I don't like it. I think today is the first time in WEEKS that I've been able to sit on the computer and do absolutely nothing but talk to people, and I'm not really even doing that because for whatever reason I can't seem to hold a conversation anymore. I miss talking about nothing, yet talking for hour on end until you realize how much time has passed and you really should sleep. I miss laughing until it hurts. I miss being able to actually TALK to people for more that 2 minute intervals at a time when something pops into my head.

((There is no structural purpose to these spaces, I just don't like hurting my own eyes with huge blocks of text. I need paragraph breaks to take a break at LOL))

Also, I'm tired of being so unstable. It's getting bad. I'll be fine and laughing my ass off one minute, then feeling like crying in the corner away from everyone the next. It's not good, and frankly it's making me think I have a disorder or something like that, 'cause it didn't used to be this bad. I don't think it's depression, unless I never got over that way back when and just have had it for years and year and years...? Yeah, no. I dunno. Maybe it's just who I am and I'll have to learn to deal with it.

I THINK, I really need to stop focusing on a few things in particular. I'm sure noah and maybe jamie can guess what those "few things" are, and I don't feel like going into them right now. See other notes or ask me later if you're genuinely concerned. It's not like I haven't tried to, actually i try to everyday. It's just not as simple as I wish it were. And even if I get them to go away for a while, it's not long before they're all back in my mind again. I hate the repetativeness because I know it's ridiculous and I hate pestering other people for help with them. 'cause it's the same. ALWAYS.

I thank you few that I actually do come to to just ramble on about this, that, or another. Despite how often I come to you, it's really not easy for me to do so. I hate talking about them. I've always been the kind of person that would rather keep it to theirself and see if it goes away. And it's really a big deal the first time I talk to someone about them- no matter how big or little the thing is. Because honestly, there are only 2 people that I would tell ANYTHING to, then maybe 4 or 5 people across the world (including the other 2) that I would tell mostly anything to. It's only those numbers because I do have such amazing people as my friends, I've been lucky enough to find a few that I'd seriously trust with my life.

All I DO know is that i want this to stop. i hate being worried aboutt he future, because i'd much rather just beable to say"bring it on" and see what happens. But then i'll think about my parents, and even though i know that really it does not matter what they think, it's my life and i have to live it my way. I'm just at that point where i finally have to figure out how to let go and deal with their opinions and the stupid things that they say. I've realized that nothing is ever going to be good enough for them, and they're always going to find something to talk bad about. About how much they disapprove or some shit like that. I mean seriously? Shut up and deal with your own lives. Does it really matter that you don't approve, and that you would never do that? No. So stop worrying about stupid shit that's only making you into grumpy old people that I'm afraid of, and focus on yourselves and making your lives better. Please. Oh it's going to be an adventure...

Okay, I'm done for the day. I'm sure I could think of more things to talk about, but that would require actually going into detail on a few of the things that i've chosen only to glance over in the above. I think I reall y just love typing, and the speed at which i've reached. I dunno. i took two college-like exams in the past two days. Calculus and then Literature today. My brain is fried LOL. Time to go do somethin else for a while. How're you?

*************************************************
April 19, 2010

I've been thinking it all the time for the past few days. And not just YOU. But you and you and you. And one of you isn't dead. I just really miss you...Sorry, but I can't help it.
Three of you left too soon, two of you could have prevented it. One of you two needed to have made an effort a long time ago. The last of you three...I don't even have words for it.
Uncle Billy, it's been a few years now, and I still miss you so much. And I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Whenever I think it through, I can't help but cry. Why the fuck didn't you say anything? We could have helped you. I hate hating you for what you did, because you weren't the only one hurting after grandpa passed. But it's like you didn't even try...I miss your jokes, your smiles, your laugh, and how you were the one that made us all feel better when we were down.
Aunt Lois, you fought so hard for so long. At least for the last while. Yes, you needed to try to quit smoking a whole lot sooner than you did- BEFORE it was too late. And I know that it's an addiction, but it's not like we didn't try to help you... I miss you. I miss your cooking. I miss your smile. I miss how you were always so nice to everyone, all the time.
You. What the hell did you ever do to deserve what happened to you? Nothing. You were so kind and had such a great life going. I never got to meet you in person, and I know that I'm not in position to miss you as much as others, but I still do. I miss talking to you, and I miss hearing about your job.
And last but not least, you. Gahhhhhh, I can't help but miss you and think about you all the time. I know it's not forever, but I'm not liking the "now" at all. It's hard to wait for the "then," but I guess I'll have to. Because I know that it's not forever, and I can hang in there for a while longer. But, I still miss you.

I really hope that, where ever the four of you are, you're doing amazing. I know that I'll see you all again, sometime or another. Until then, I'll be missing you. <3

******************************
"Above All"
April 7, 2010 ((MY BIRTHDAY!))

Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?

Did you know that,
Above all,
I owe you everything?

No words exist,
That could express,
What you mean to me.

When I was down,
In a deep, dark place,
Lost-
Confused-
Hurt-
Hopeless…
You found me.
You held me.
You gave me strength
To push off the ground.
You gave me purpose,
To live again.

When I'd slip:
You were there.
When I flew:
You were there.

My life before?
My life now?
I'd never go back.
I'd never give up.

No matter how far
You are from me,
No matter how long
You are gone away:
You're always here-
In my heart,
In my mind,
You've never gone.

Did you know that,
Without you,
I would be lost?

Did you know that,
above all,
I owe you my life?

************************
"All I ask" -March 29, 2010

Twisted,
Torn,
Pulled apart in so many directions.
No way to go,
Too many choices,
But all with no end.

One shore calls my name,
My heart aches for it.
To be held-
To hold-
To kiss-
To just sit...

The other shore holds strong,
Tightens it's grasp-
Claws at my heart-
Chains down my feet.

Falling down,
Tired of climbing back up.
I'm here-
But you don't seem to see me.

What do I have to do?
Jump up and down,
Scream at the top of my lungs?
What?
'Cause frankly,
I'm tired of trying.

Are you annoyed?
Are you scared?
Do you care?
Love me?
Hate me?
I don't care!
Just don't ignore me-
The one thing I can't stand.
Stop avoiding,
Talk to me,
A few words,
That's all I ask.

********************************

That'll be all~

Tags:


So earlier today I re-found the comfort that shutting myself in my closet, while listening to music, gives me.

Let me explain:

Back at my old house, when I moved into my sister's old room, I would climb up the selves and lieon the top rack thing. Everything was wood and painted white, after my siblings moved out the closet was practically empty. It had two folding/sliding doors and the rest was pretty open. After some time I tacked a blanket down, brought a pillow, and even taped pictures up in there, and I would go and retrete there when I needed to get away from what ever was bothering me. It really helped me get through a lot of crap I went through in middle school. I would just climb up, lie down, blast some music and read, write, or just sit up there for hours.

Then we moved.

To go to the high school that I wanted to go to, and due to other factors, we built a new house on some property that my parents have owned for a while, and this is where I live now. Since we moved I haven't even thought to sit in a closet at all (aside from haunted houses) for anything what-so-ever until recently. I've been wanting the comfort of four walls tight around me- some people are freaked out by it, but I like the security and closure that it gives you. It makes you feel like no one else is there, and helps you get away from the world if you want; it lets you think about what you need to think about without anything else getting in the way. 

Something has happened lately that's causing us all some stress, tears, and heart-ache. For those of you who don't know, someone very dear to me and my friends has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. Just a little while ago the doctors informed us that there is nothing more they can do, and that he has weeks to a few months to live. So today I decided that I really needed sometime to just get away and chill out for a while. I started out on the bed, all the lights out, ear phones in, and girugamesh playing. I shifted positions a few times, but nothing really worked. Then I moved to the floor by my bed- leaned against a big pillow against the wall and the side of the bed, stayed there for a while. Finally, I figured I'd try the closet- I had no idea why, but again I knew that I wanted to feel those four walls like a box.

After sitting there in the dark, nothing around me (but clothes, music, and Jamie's random messages), for a few minutes I started to remember the closet I had back at the old house. I remembered the comfort, peace, and calmness that came away with it.

I also realized how much has changed in such a short time. Just a few years ago I was in middle school- such a horrible time really, and then I met some really amazing people, and then some more amzing people through them. And here I am today, only a month away from my last year in High school, with the best friends anyone could ever ask for- even if they're all idiots and spread around the whole world.

I know it's strange how all this came from just sitting in a dark closet, on a mound of clothes and shoes, with music, and one of those amazing friends killing my phone bill, but somehow it did.

So that's all for tonight; a little about me and my closet days. xD

Tags:

Poem~


It's still pretty rough, but it has been gone through a few times. Sooo tell me what you think please! Revision suggestions are welcome!

Don't Ignore Me
Tell me you hate me,

Tell me to go away,

say anything you want,

Come whatever may.

 

No matter the pain,

How hard it may be.

Whatever you do,

Don't ignore me.

 

The silence you chose,

The hate in your mind,

I'm more afraid,

Of being blind.

 

Tell me you hate me,

Tell me to go away,

say anything you want,

Come whatever may.

 

No matter the pain,

How hard it may be.

Whatever you do,

Don't ignore me.

 

The silence you chose,

The hate in your mind,

I'm more afraid,

Of being blind.

 

I don't understand,

What I did wrong.

Did I hurt you,

Or even belong?

 

I thought you said,

'Be true to yourself.'

And yet you hide

Your feeling on a shelf.

 

They're locked away,

Only collecting dust,

Hidden from me,

With lack of trust.

 

No matter the pain,

how hard it may be,

Whatever you chose,

Please don't ignore me.

March is already over?!?!


Yes I realize that there are still a few more days until March is actaully over but let's face it- I ain't gonna post before then! Haha
Anyways~
I felt that it was time for my...not so annual update of what-the-hell-ever-I-wanna-say. Enjoy!


There's been a loooot of work due lately, and I still have a ton to do by monday. i really don't think I'm going to get there. I'll just have to do the best I can. Thankfully the end of the marking period is here and it's time for a fresh start with grades! Well, I guess that's kinda a lie considering everything just bled together and which assignment falls in with quarter depends on when it gets graded.
 

My birthday is coming up!!! I'm so excited, haha. People say that you're 17th birthday is boring, because you had your sweet-sixteen and then the next year is the big 18! But my 17th is ALREADY looking to be so much better than last year, which to say the least was bad...Like, NO ONE at school remembered it regardless of my reminders, I blame it being on a Monday. When I got home things were better because I got lots of messages from amazing people all around the world that made things so much better. Then at the end of the week my family and I went out to dinner at a Japanese steak house, that was nice. But nothing really special for a "sweet sixteen." BUT this year!! my birthday is on a Tuesday, so it's like celebrating it for two weekends! haha, plus it's during the week of spring break~

Anyways, the weekend before the actual day Cather and I are gonna chill, go see the new Fast and Furious movie and act like idiots. Then sometime that weekend I'm going out to dinner again, that'll be fun (and not right at closing this time!)~ Then the week of and leading up to the next weekend will be nothing really special, because that thursday we're flying out to Texas for Anime Matsuri!!! Miyavi, lovely family reunion with my Flip and Angie, and hanging out with a bunch of really awesome people. I am SO stoked. <3

On another note, got a message from the Geeks today, my camera has been shipped to the house and we'll see it in the next 5 days. Well ain't that fun! I'm happy to be getting it back, but I don't like not knowing when it'll get here. I wanna use it at the NWTF banquet Saturday night, but I seriously doubt we're gonna get it by tomorrow. BUT I'LL HAVE MY CAMWHORE ABILITY BACK!

NWTF stands for National Wild Turkey Federation, my fahter is the presedent of our local chapter. Wonderful right? yeah. BASICALLY, a bunch of hunters and enviromentalist people that raise money to support wildlife conservation.It's a good thing and all of the people who help out are really awesome peoples~ They've all been in it for 17 years now, so I guess you can say they're all like my family by now!

Still looking for a job for the summer, no word from safeway, and I don't think Giant is hiring anymore. I need oneee. OH! I need to remember to call the DMV to schedual a day for taking the drive test. I'm sure I'll pass, but I still need practice with that damned parking! Haven't done it in the car I'll be testing in. YEAH. So I'll be driving on my own soon! Say HELLO more opportunities~ hehe.

AND I guess that's it.
HOW ARE YOU?
BYE LOVES. <3

PS, I need more user pics...

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Whoo update~


Hahaha so I realized i never post on this thing when things are going well. XD SO, here we go!

I'M GOING TO SEE MIYAVI LIVE!!!!!!! Sooooooo exctied! hahah <3 Going to Anime Matsuri instead of NYC for my B-day~ it's the same week! And to top it all off, to pay for everything was half the price it'd be to go to NYC. XD SO!!! i gots lots of spending money!!! That'll ALL be gone! hahahah <3 Meeting up with Flip and Angie and Kara to work on stuffs on Thursday~ and hopefully a lot of other people too! ^^

MY NEW CAMERA IS DEAD. I have the worst luck with those things ;_; This time my nephew dropped it while it was turned on. And now the lense won't work right. ..

Hmmm, what else~~~ OH, as many of you know my newest (old but reborn) love is 12012 <3 They are AMAZING and I so want more of their music! haha~ I keep learning more everyday! I love it~Why can't that be a class? I'm all in favour of it. *nod* I'd actaully pay tons and tons of attention in that class and would do more than the assigned homework every night. Unlike...all of my classes.

We filled out our course selection sheets for next year, last week. Took half easy classes, half gonna die classes! The chosen are as follows: AP Lit and Composition, AP Calculus, AP Environmental Sicences, Theatre III, Teacher Aid for the theatre teacher, Concert Choir, French IV.
Math- I'm suffering now!!! I don't wanna take more!!!
English- ehhh, I guess I'll live. At least they're stories this time! No more essays.
Science- SOOO was not taking Physics. And I heard this was an east one.
Etc- I'm excited for my electives~ I think they're gonna be fun.

What else to say~~ Oh. Ichiro, you know we all love you <3 I told you before, do what you think will be best for you and your family. I'm behind you every step of the way.

Jae~ Hang tight, I know they're small steps, but keep walking. It's the only way to move forward. We're all here for you, and I know you can get through all of this. <3

All of you out there:
Stay strong, keep your heart open, remember the good times.
<3

Pourqoui?! Je déteste cette... </3


Pourquoi mon coeur me haïssent? Je déteste cette. Je veux seulement mon coeur d'accord avec mon cerveau pour une fois. Je sais que je ne peux pas être avec lui et que je ne peux même ont aimé lui avant, mais mon coeur pense encore que je n'a. Et maintenant il n'est pas même autour d'ici. S'il était ici il serait peut-être différents. Et chaque fois que je lui parler de mon coeur insensés me me tue encore une fois. Pourquoi? Je déteste cette. Mais je ne peux pas tout simplement cesser de parler de lui. Il est très gentil. Je veux tout d'arrêter! Une façon ou une autre...

***
Sorry if you can't read it. I just needed to post it somewhere, and the other place I posted it I don't really feel like having everyone know about it. Just ask if you wanna know what it says. Or use an online translator which is what I used for help, haha.

Anyways, I guess I'll use this time to do a little update. I think one person might read this! haha <3 Love you for it too! Basically things have been the usual. Nothing big's happened, just old things have come back up. Some people and somethings. But other than that it's all just the usual routine; school, bus, computer, sleep. And repeat. But yay! It's the weekend. And I need to remember to attack someone for sleeping in. *makes a mental note*

My Romeo et Juliette- Le Spectacle Musical soundtrack came today. It is AMAZING. I've had it on repeat since I got it. But it's impossible to find translated lyrics for the second haf of it. Which is really saddening. Even though I can speak A LITTLE frecnh, it's defiently not enough to understand all of that! So I gues one day I'll sit down and try to translate it all....RIGHT. I really want to get the DVD, but I hear it doesn't come with any english subtitles. And even though that'd be a great way to get better at the language, I really would like t know what REALLY is going on. Not just a general understanding. plus I can't find it even on YouTube with english subs. Lame...I'll keep looking I guess.

Lots of work to do this weekend. I guess that'll get done. Uhmmmm. OH, getting my hair cut tomorrow. Not a big change, I don't think. Just get more layers and starting it up near my ears. I really hope I don't get the same damn woman again. Twice in a row she has done a crappy job. Pleaseeee let me get one of the other. ANY of the others, haha.

So I guess that really is all that's worth saying, XD OH for those of you who don't know; I'm going to NYC for my b-day in April (spring break). And I joined a group called "Improv Everywhere"!!! I am now an agent. So look out world! Can't wait to hit up NYC with that stuff! =D

Okay, that really was all. Peace out!<3
 

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Relationships Pt 2

WHOO. Nothing happened! Saw that coming.
Bastard.

Relationships

Effing suck ass.